Danielle: Welcome to the Total Drama Big Brother house. With our own spin on the classic formula used in BBUS and BBCan, 16 Canadians check into a wonderful urban treehouse under constant surveillance of the public to compete in competitions for a half a million dollar prize. In our earthy studio here in Toronto, who will come out on top? It's time to meet our houseguests for this probably crappy season. Here are the first 4.
(Camera changes from the studio to the various locations where the future houseguests are.)
Geoff: *reading key* Congratulations houseguest, you have earned your spot-
Alejandro: In the Total Drama Big Brother house? *smiles* Excelente!
Lindsay: Oh my gosh, *hugs pet chihuahua in lap* I'm gonna be on Big Brother! Eeee!
Gwen: *staring at key* Whatever.
Yolo: I made Big Brother n*****s!!!!
Bridgette: Is this for real? *cameraman nods* Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh!
Bridgette: (DR: My name is Bridgette and I'm a 19 year old student from Vancouver, British Columbia, and I love to get my surf on. *clips of Bridgette surfing* I'm a really chill and low maintenance person, and I can't wait to prove myself as one of Canada's fan favorites in the TDBB house. I really love the beach and all the animals that reside there. As a pacifist, I hope I'll be able to defuse tense situations and hopefully have a great time and pay the bills at the same time.)
Alejandro: (DR: *pictures of Alejandro climbing Mount Everest, being with uncaged tigers in Bali, and traveling with his family* I'm Alejandro Burromuerto, one of the most renowned and honorable families in Spain, but I moved to Canada when I was 16 so my dad could act as ambassador. I consider myself quite charming, and hopefully I will be able to use this skill to worm my way through all of the houseguests. I have been informed by my dear mama that I am quite attractive *clip of Alejandro putting on sun lotion* and I am not afraid to use my looks to get ahead.)
Lindsay: *throws chihuahua up in air but it flies out of the room and hits someone* Oops, sorry. :( (DR: Hiii! I'm Lindsay! :P I'm like 18 and I'm a high school student and part time model. I consider myself a very fashionable and bubbly person, but that doesn't mean I can't be totally brainacular! *laughs* I want to win this to show not all blondes are dumb, just some!)
Geoff: *high fives bro* I'm gonna be on Big Brother dudes!!!!! (DR: My name is Geoff, and I'm 19 years young and flying fresh!!!!! I spend my days being the life of the party nowadays, and ever since I dropped out of school it's been a non stop party! *clip of Geoff drinking several
beer root beer cans in 5 seconds and then burping* The people I get along with are really chill and stuff, I can't deal with chicks that have gigantic poles up their butt. I hope that there are gonna be some loose women in the Total Drama Big Brother house!... what? You're cutting that off the final cut? Aight.)
Gwen: (DR: You're expecting me to give some kind of cheesy intro confessional? :/ Sorry, I didn't get enough sleep for this. I'm Gwen, and that's all anyone really needs to know.)
Yolo: (DR: Ayyy! My name is Yolo, I'm 42 years young, and I live in the slums of Toronto. People have this stereotype of minorites being violent, but I am to buck this idea with my intelligence, compassion, and competitive edge.)
(Clips of the houseguests packing and then a return to the studio.)
Danielle: Welcome our first six guests to check into Total Drama Big Brother 1... Bridgette! Alejandro! Lindsay! Geoff! Gwen! Yolo! I know you are all excited to get inside... but you just need to wait a bit more. Now it's time for us to meet the next 6.
(Camera changes from the studio to the various locations where the next set of future houseguests are.)
Heather: *pulls key out of purse* What is this?
Harold: *does kung fu poses until handed a note* Awesome!
Courtney: The proceedings are going quite- hold on a sec Donovan. *picks up phone* I'm gonna be on Total Drama Big Brother?!
Beardo: *DJ'ing for a rave until handed key and does a level finished sound effect*
Sugar: Ho mah ghey, I'm gonna be on Total Drama Big Brother!
Rodney: It's gonna be nice to finally meet some new ladies! *hugs pig*
Rodney: (DR: I'm Rodney, I'm from rural Saskatchewan, and I love girls. As a farm boy and sibling of 5 younger brothers, I've been able to teach my brothers the art of seduction. I've gotten countless women around my fingertips, and my main probelm here will be not breaking their hearts immediately. I'm a force to be reckoned with, and I will win in the Big Brother house!)
Heather: Hmmph. *throws key in trash* (DR: I'm Heather Decksheimer, and I'm from Montreal. My former classmates have described me as "horrid bitch", "high-maintanence floozy", "Chinese dragon", and "looser than a ring of Jell-O". But who cares what they think? I got accepted into one of Canada's top universities, and getting my name out there through Total Drama Big Brother will put me one step closer to my long term goal of ruling Europe.)
Beardo: *does sound effects while DJ'ing* (DR: I am, Be-ar-do, and I am, kinda shy, but once you, get to know me, I'm a great guy! My main, problem will, be talking, to a bunch of, new people, but I'm, looking forward, to this!)
Courtney: *typing on PDA when shown key* Meh. (CONF: I'm Courtney, I'm currently studying law, and I hope to become rather successful in the corporate law world soon. I've always been one of the smartest people I knew, and I've always had a special inclination for leading ever since I became a C.I.T. for a summer camp. You're gonna get a strong competitor this season, but hopefully my ride to victory won't be too boring. *laughs*
Harold: Hiya! *chops wooden block and a key appears under it* (DR: I've always been particularly adept at a wide variety of things, kind of a jack of all trades. I'm 97 pounds of pure, unbridled fury, and I use that fury to pursue a variety of subjects including mixed martial arts, Japanese culture, online roleplaying for reality shows, and running a fan blog for the various kinds of French cheese tasting fairs. My wide taste will definitely help me more than hinder me, and hopefully I'll be able to reel in the money when the day ends.)
Sugar: *eating ice cream using her hands until she sees the key in the carton* OMG! (DR: I'm Sugar! I'm a simple country gal from Lloydminister, Alberta, or Saskatchewan! It's a provincial border town! I'm used to being an ac-TOR, as nearly every month I enroll in one of Canada's various beauty pageants and have done so since I was just 4 years old! I will use ma' speakin' skills and the various talents I have ac-quired from my pageant shows and put them to good use in winning this here shadoodle!)
(Clips of houseguests packing.)
Danielle: Welcome our next six guests to check into Total Drama Big Brother 1 house... Sugar! Harold! Courtney! Rodney! Heather! Beardo! It's now time to meet our final 4 houseguests.
(Camera changes from the studio to the various locations where the final set of future houseguests are.)
Amy: Total Drama? Do I HAVE to?
Ezekiel: *milking his own milk until handed key* Eh? Big Broother?
Blaineley: *doing a photoshoot until a key is thrown at her* Knock it off! What, I'm gonna be on tv again?!
Owen: *eats key*
Owen: (DR: So uh, hi! I'm Owen and I've been on several other reality shows before. Let's see, uh, there was this one called like Outwitter or something? I was the first out after eating all the bamboo for our tribes shelter. I'm thicc but I'm not ashamed of it, I just like to eat. My family is very close to me, and I love my mom.)
Owen's mom: *crying while hugging Owen* I'll miss you so much!
Owen: (DR: Hopefully I'll be able to win over the other people there with my fun personality, but it won't get too heated in my book! I can't wait to joing everyone else!)
Amy: Oh my GAG, did you sign me up for this Samey? (DR: I'm Amy Pierzina, and I'm from Halifax. I'm currently a high school senior, and I've been cheer captain since I was in 6th grade. *clip of Amy yelling at her cheer squad* I'm a natural born leader, like, people flock to me like whores do to tennis courts. My charisma and face are probably my best 2 qualities, but I wouldn't count out my butt as well. *laughs* There will probably be like 20 guys that are interested in me, but I'll just use them to win and dump them later.)
Ezekiel: (DR: I'm Ezekiel! I've been homeschooled my entire life and haven't really seen any other teens outside of church, but I'm a force to be reckoned with, eh! I'm not ta' shabby with a bow and arrow *clip of Ezekiel accidentally hitting his mom with an arrow* and I like to get rough with the animals at the farm! *clip of Ezekiel running away screaming from a bull* I'm gonna use my sick lingo yo to bond with the other youngsters! *tries to do gang signs but accidentally hits his eye* OW! MA, CALL THE EYE DOCTOR!)
Blaineley: *walking out of a photoshoot and signing several autographs until handed a key* (DR: I'm Blaineley Stacey Andrews O'Halloran, and some of you may know me from my various gigs on TV and in the cinema industry. *does air kiss to the camera* I might be 38, but I still have the sex appeal of a party girl in her twenties. I'm hoping to use my victory in Total Drama Big Brother to revitalize my career in the show biz, and that's why I didn't flat out refuse when I got recruited.)
(Clips of the houseguests packing)
Danielle: Finally, welcome our next four guests to check into Total Drama Big Brother 1 house! Amy! Ezekiel! Blaineley! Owen! *all sixteen houseguests have gathered in front of the house* Are you all ready?... well I don't really care, because you're going in anyways. You may now enter the Big Brother house.
(The houseguests all enter the house.)
Heather: Shut up.
Heather: I'm just joking. Calm down. :/ (DR: Even before we walk in, I've become worried as all hell. Alejandro and I used to date and things didn't exactly work out well, but hopefully we can get over this before it hurts my game.)
Heather: *talking with Alejandro in one of the rooms* Listen, I know we might have some beef-
Alejandro: Mi flor, who are you again? (DR: I know Heather because we previously were dating back in high school. I know she's very manipulative and cunning, and that is not someone I need to work with in this game.)
Heather: Um, don't you remember? Heather? We used to date until we cheated on each other and broke things off?
Alejandro: Not ringing any bells. (DR: I have absolutely zero trust for Heather in this game, and right now my first priority is going to be getting her out as soon as possible.)
Bridgette: *sitting in a room with Blaineley, Lindsay, and Amy* I'm getting really good vibes from each of you. In the past couple of season of the United States Big Brother, women like us have been used by men to get further in this game. I think each of us is reasonably strong-
Lindsay: Ooh, shiny! *gets up and runs into bathroom* Aww, the toilet stopped flashing me. :(
Bridgette: Uh, as I was saying, I think each of us is a strong woman who can hold their own. We need to work together.
Blaineley: That's a fantastic idea, hun. (DR: Repairing my broken image is a slow step process, and what better step to start with than empowering women in a game where that's not usually the case?)
Amy: Yeah, I agree completely. (DR: Looking at these 3 blondes, I feel like I could easily manipulate my way into making each of them my minions against each other. I'll stick with the idea for now, but last time I checked, 4 people don't win the prize money.)
Harold: Hmm... *walks up to Gwen* Whatcha doing there Gwen?
Owen: I'm willing to play a game with ya Harold! *hugs him tightly*
Harold: *suffocating* My ribs...
Alejandro: *sees the two and smirks* Perfect. *approaches the two* How is it going... mi amigos?
Owen: *gasps* You speak Spanish?!
Harold: I can speak Japanese, Dwarvish, and Urdu!
Alejandro: That's wonderful! I can speak Japanese too! Nihonjin wa sono yōna utsukushī gengodesu!
Harold: Um, excuse you.
Alejandro: My apologies. But I would love to work with two people of such an intellectual caliber as you guys!
Harold: Hmmm... I will consider your offer. And I have considered to take it.
Owen: Ooh! Ooh! Me too!
Alejandro: (DR: Dealing with two people of such low amount of brain power as these two will surely be exhausting, but no manipulation can occur without a little bit of effort. *smiles*)
Yolo: What up my n*ggas?
Courtney: Uh, I don't think you're allowed to say that on national tv.
Yolo: Shut up beaner. I don't think you're allowed on the screen until you lose a few pounds you fat bitch.
Courtney: *gasps and slaps Yolo* Someone's got a lawsuit on their hands!
Yolo: Stop yabberin' on about what you think woman. You're acting like anyone cares.
Courtney: *slaps him again and storms off* (DR: Yolo is incredibly prejudiced against women, minorities, and the LGBT community. It's quite disgusting really, we're in 2016. Don't enforce your bigoted views on us.)
Ezekiel: Uh, I dunno aboot that, eh. Women are people too, even if-
Courtney: Even farm boy over here is more progressive than you!
Yolo: (DR: I need to win the first HOH to get rid of the fat bitch and the farmer f*ggot. I am making strategic moves to advance the status of the black community, of which I am a part of, and therefore I can't say anything offensive. That's what my online friends say anyways.)
Beardo: *has his hands on his face sitting alone on a bed* (DR: All my life, I've been really shy and struggled with interacting with people. I've preferred having my headphones in jammin' out over talking to people. *sighs* Dealing with 15 strangers is really tough, *tearing up* and I'm unsure whether I can do it right now or not.)
Bridgette: *walks by room and sees Beardo crying* Huh? *goes in* Are you okay?
Beardo: *does incorrect answer sound effect*
Bridgette: What's wrong?
Beardo: *does sound effect of people walking*
Bridgette: You can talk to me. *puts her hand on his shoulder* Hey, I know the feeling of what you're going through right now. I've moved a lot in my life, and trying to connect with new people is tough.
Beardo: ...you do?
Bridgette: Yeah. *hugs him* It'll be alright in the end. (DR: Beardo is realy sweet but just really shy. I'm hoping I can help him get out of his shell around all these new people and make some friends.)
(Rodney, Sugar, Geoff, Amy, and Ezekiel are all eating PB&J sandwiches at the table.)
Rodney: Wow, these sandwiches are amazing! Back at my farm, we didn't eat much besides milk, cheese, and eggs.
Sugar: Really?! Back at mah farm, we ate a lot a' mud and made mud n' grits! It is yu-mmy!
Amy: *looks disgusted* Please don't tell me you actually eat mud?
Sugar: Excuse me?! I've had enough of you city slickers and y'all's pretentious "Oh I'm too good for farm food" attitude! Enuff!
Rodney: *sees Sugar yelling at Amy and begins blushing* (DR: When I came to Big Brother, I said I wouldn't let women get in the way of my game. But Sugar... the way she spits every time she speech, her beautiful fragrance of day old ham, and the cute way her butt farts every time she sits down... I think I'm in love.)
Geoff: Everyone just needs to chillax. No pretention is occuring here.
Amy: Except for the part where hicky McGee over here complains about most people having an iota of hygiene. *gets up and throws sandwich at Ezekiel's face* I'm leaving.
Ezekiel: Hey! *Amy leaves the room*
Sugar: That city-slicker... I don't like her one bit! Us country folk got'ta stick together or else our asses are grass!
Rodney: *staring at Sugar and blushing* Sure.
Ezekiel: I agree completely, eh! It's not her place to-
Danielle: Gutter sluts and bubble butts, it's time to go to the backyard for the HOH competition!
(There are 16 ropes hanging from the ceiling. They are all circled around a tennis ball launcher. Each houseguest is holding onto their rope around it.)
Danielle: Houseguests, for your first head of household competition, you will be holding on to this rope that is circling a tennis ball machine. On my go, the ropes will begin turning in a circle around the machine. Each of you will have to hold on while getting pelted with tennis balls. The last houseguest remaining on the ropes that does not fall into the mud pit below will be the new HOH. And with that, the competition has begun!
Sugar: *falls off and into mud* F*ck!
Alejandro: *hanging on* (DR: Winning this first HOH for my gameplay is critical. If I win, I will be able to use pawns to get Heather backdoored before she can cause me any trouble.)
Beardo: *hangs on* (DR: The HOH competition was really tough. We basically had to hang on to ropes that were goin' in a circle while tennis balls were being shot at us from the middle. It wasn't fun.)
Owen: *falls because fat*
Gwen: *drops because sleeping*
Danielle: And with that, only thirteen houseguests remain!
Bridgette: (DR: I really need to win this HOH to make sure my girl blonde alliance is completely safe this week. Even if holding onto this scratchy rope is giving my hands calices, it will be worth it to stay in this game.)
Heather: Okay, I can't do this. *jumps off and lands feet first*
Ezekiel: Watch out for me, eh! *lands on Heather*
Heather: OMG, get off me! *shoves Ezekiel down*
Blaineley: *drops* I can't do this anymore! (DR: Winning the first HOH would be good for me and my girls, but I can't get blood on my hands this early. If I want to reemerge as a star, I'm gonna have to get the spotlight when there are less people here to share it with.)
Harold: *hit in balls by tennis ball* My kiwis...
Danielle: Ten houseguests hold on for dear life: Courtney, Geoff, Rodney, Lindsay, Amy, Alejandro, Bridgette, Harold, Yolo, and Beardo! Now, here is where things get interesting. I will now give you offers to get each of you to drop. First 2 to drop right now get immunity for the week.
Amy: *drops* F*ck.
Danielle: Lindsay and Courtney are now immune from nominations, but Amy is in tough luck. My next offer is... a never-not pass. Any takers?
Harold: *hit by tennis ball in head* OW, GOSH! Ugh, what the heck. *drops*
Danielle: I was lying. Go sit down at the bench and think about what you just did.
Harold: Wow, uncool. :/
Danielle: Anyways, the important people left are Alejandro, Geoff, Bridgette, Rodney, Yolo, and Beardo. Let's see how long it takes for one of them to crack.
(2 hours pass)
Rodney: *rope begins to stretch* Uh-oh. *rope snaps and he falls down screaming*
Danielle: Rodney is finally out! For my next offer, someone has to drop or we will be dealing with the battle of the block twist this week!
Bridgette: Please, I really want to win this HOH!
Beardo: So do we!
Danielle: 8... 7... 6...
Geoff: Dudes, someone needs to drop or we're all screwed!
Beardo: I'll drop if y'all promise not to nom me.
Alejandro: That's a lot to consider-
Alejandro: Mierda, we do! Just drop!
Danielle: And Beardo has dropped! No BOTB, sadly. The next to drop gets a free hot dog.
Geoff: Heck yeah man! *drops*
Danielle: Here you go. *hands him decaying hot dog* Now we are down to Yolo, Bridgette, and Alejandro.
(Montage of intense looks on each of their faces.)
Alejandro: (DR: Winning this HOH is absolutely a necessity if I want to manuever myself diplomatically.)
Bridgette: (DR: The most important thing about winning this HOH is keeping the power out of a guys hands and making sure the women stick around.)
Yolo: (DR: I want to win HOH so I can nom all the minorities and f*gs.)
Yolo: *drops* Shiet.
Danielle: And our final 2 is Alejandro and Bridgette. Let's see how long it will take for one of them to crack...
Alejandro: *hit by tennis ball and drops*
Danielle: Bridgette is our first head of household of the season! Congratulations!
Bridgette: Oh my gosh! I won! *hugs Blaineley*
Blaineley: Yass girl!
Alejandro: Dios puta maldita sea...
Geoff: (DR: I'm pretty okay with Bridgette being the new HOH! She's a chill girl, and I can't wait to see what she's planning to do so I can help her and hopefully score a babe in the process.)